September 24, 2007
~ Randomly...
I just became a model!
Ya, right. For my daughter, Whying's fyp. My photo's gonna be one of those nameless faces that she and sis and their project mates gonna shove under the scrutiny of (hopefully) opinionated respondents.
Anyway, she just virtually cackled when I asked if she'd prefer a shot of me when I still had long hair. Honestly, I don't think I look that bad when I had long hair. Long, with the longest layer cascading down half my back. I, really, didn't look that funny. But right from the beginning, she was already gasping when she saw long-haired me in photos. Maybe it was a kind of private joke that I just didn't get.
Look, I did look more demure and sweeter with long hair. And, as FVB would probably like to add, 'less gayish'. (Welcome, darling. I know you would wanna add this. BTW, so looking forward to seeing you this week, hand-in-hand with you-know-who *wink*.)
It's just that I guess shorter hairstyles suit my personality better. Ya? 'Cos like Apple once said, I am demure and sweet until I start to speak.
So, what the fuck.
Anyway, I'm gonna put some really nice colours on my hair soon. Makes all the difference, how you feel about yourself w.r.t your hair.
But, who knows... I might keep long hair again. It's really more helpful in smacking people with ponytails. Something she used to complain about.
Jeez.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
September 23, 2007
I am SO sorry.
There are a few rules, laws, regulation... whatever you call those things that the state or some authority tells you to do or not to do... that I constantly break. Almost everytime.
The first must be not putting on my seatbelt when travelling in cars. I just don't. 'Cos my dad doesn't too. He was a cabbie for like, 30 years of his life, and the only time you hear his selt belt goes 'click' is when there're police-stop checks 20m ahead. So, I grew up understanding that "seat belts just make you feel restricted and uncomfortable and if you just keep to
most of the other traffic rules, you should be just fine without buckling your seatbelt" (Yea, my dad's teaching). However, however, (if I'm in the front seat) I do buckle my seatbelt
if I allow my life to be in the hands of drivers whom I'm not that familiar with (e.g. my boss or just some friend of friend, etc). Oh, and I most definitely buckle my seatbelt even if I'm in the rear seat when Kynthia's driving. It's pertinent. No joke.
The other whatever-you-call-it that I often break is the one that tells you not to eat or drink on buses. I don't consume cooked food on buses, ever since after university. But drinking? Yes, I do. I give tuition, right. Sometimes, the only time I can actually save myself before my skin begins to shrink and I see 2 or 3 suns is during the time when I transit from one tuition place to another place. So, I get my drink and I drink. Then, the bus comes. And everyone knows how slow I consume anything, so... *shrugs* That's my feeble line of defence.
And this was what happened earlier today when I finished the last third of my can of Pokka Peppermint Green Tea on board bus 166...
Big-sized fellow male commuter gets ready to alight.
I was standing, in his way, before the exit. So, I shifted and leaned inwards to give some space (bus was rather crowded too).
Big-sized fellow male commuter was nearing me. He's about a head taller than me too.
I was just beginning to think he's getting too near my back since I've given ample space behind me for him to move.
As he passed behind me, very deliberately slow, he turned and said in a voice that was meant to be heard, "No eating and drinking on trains and in buses." Very hostile tone.
I was still shocked from his head towering behind me and his bag rubbing against my butt.
He alighted before I could respond.
Hmm...
Ok! Guilty as charged (but quite shameless about it). So... what do you want me to do? Apologise to the whole bus?
Fyi, the bus driver saw me holding the can when I boarded the bus. He didn't say anything. Doesn't absolve me, I know. So, tell you what. I'd apologise to the whole world through my blog.
I AM SO SORRY FOR
ALWAYS DRINKING ON THE BUSES. (I don't do that on trains as much...)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:37
September 22, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
I had a very nice dream yesterday. Very short but the details were outstanding. For I saw and remember the cheekiness in her eyes. The kind that's so unassuming yet cheeky. The kind she often had when she's up to something - a surprise gift, or a well-hidden love note for me to excavate, or just something that she thinks only she knew. And today, as I pass yet another Friday with some other distractions, I suddenly miss those eyes... that cheekiness within.And of course, quite needless to say, I strongly felt like crying again.--
I was on holiday. It was with my mum and my sister. I don't know which one. Could have been both. We were in a shopping mall. Somehow, I got separated from my mum and sister. But I wasn't feeling panicky. I just went on to buy whatever I did. I don't remember what. There was a very strange lift. The lift felt like it was haunted. It didn't stop when it should and it stopped at in between levels. Perhaps it's just a very faulty lift. And not haunted at all. But I thought it was strange to have a malfunctioning lift in a big shopping mall. And when it was time to board the bus to leave the shopping mall, I went to the first level. And there were my mum and my sister sitting on a bench facing the lift. They seemed to be waiting for me. I went over and hugged them tight.
xxx
I was in a classroom. It felt like one of those classrooms from my primary school days. There were many people besides me. But I don't know them. Or I can't recall. I could only recall that Eugene was there too. Someone started singing karaoke in the classroom. There were microphones set up, the projector screen and the whole karaoke system set up. Eugene was singing with a girl. They were singing songs sung by Vivian Chow. I realised they were all her songs. I was listening. Then, Xinyi popped out from nowhere and told me to keep a pencil case in the cupboard. I was sitting beside a low cupboard. I kept the pencil case in, like she told me to. Inside the cupboard, there were many other pencil cases. I was the person in charge of keeping my classmates' pencil cases in the cupboard. How interesting.
xxx
Kay was very excited about something. She pulled me to this place where there's this tall counter table. And on it, there was a charm bracelet. On the charm bracelet, I could see many little photos. Photos of places we knew, photos of people we both knew. I looked at her and she looked at me, her eyes wildly cheeky. I couldn't help but smile. I knew she was up to something. Probably customising the charm bracelet as a gift for me.
I asked her, "Girl girl, what are you doing?"
And she has this really cheeky look and her eyes were twinkling. She called me "Ms Chua" and told me to come. She held up the charm bracelet and I could see all the little photos on it. It's really cute and lovely. But it was not completed yet. So, I had to wait.
She worked on finishing her craft on the bracelet. I just looked at her quietly. And at that very point in time, I was really, really taken. I knew why I love her. And I thought to myself, 'I would never hurt her.'
I was still looking at her, remembering the cheekiness in those eyes.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:26
~ Randomly...
Sometimes, I have this urgent need to blog. With no pen and paper around, the nearest bloggable device I could count on is my handphone. I text. Then, save as my draft sms. And then, I blog from there.
xxx
(Sometime ago... on the MRT train)
And I started to wonder for a second or a few, that is this is what it's going to be like when she leaves here for where she's been missed. It did feel a little lonely.
But just then, I remembered that things are going to change soon anyway. And... I guess it's true. That I could save easier if she's not an option anymore to while away those restless but lazy weekends.
(Now...)
She's backed. Ya, 'backed'. That's how she spelt it in her sms. And backed with a sprained neck.
Poor darling.
Have a good massage.
I'm still blardy coughing like real bad. By the next time you leave, soon, I ought to be well. Better.
Touch base real soon.
xxx
In your life, do you have someone from your past whose name you can't really remember... but at the time that you were still acquainted with this person, you just had a feeling that this person will keep appearing and reappearing throughout your life? Not as someone you'd actually get to know and exchange numbers with and have long chats over some nice tea; but more as someone whom you are going to just keep bumping into and everytime it happens, you'll think "again...?" but you may not even go up and say "hi".
There's this person, I'm quite sure his name begins with an 'A', that I kept seeing at likely and unlikely places every once in a few months. I knew him from NUS. We were project group mates for this compulsory HRM module, if I'm not wrong. The reason why I could possibly not remember my project group mate is because the project was never really a group project. There were 3 of us in the group and we were all from the faculty of Arts and Soc Sci. So, naturally, we didn't really see any point in meeting up to discuss a project (for a module we couldn't opt out). There were better things to do than to accommodate to one another's strategically-planned timetable. Group projects were just so not the norm in FASS.
Anyway, I just can't remember his name. But I keep seeing him once every few months, or like this month, a few times in a month.
It's nothing. It's just something that I thought to blog about.
xxx
Emman gave me a book by Kahlil Gibran.
I've got many books to read. 'Cos I went to the library last weekend.
My current stash is the earlier book by Nicole Krauss. Man walks into a room. Making good progress. *pat pat on shoulder*
This other book I borrowed is authored by Jorge Luis Borges. Somehow, it sounds familiar. Is it supposed to be, Ms Therapist Wong? Hmm...
xxx
I had a sort of 'last lunch' with Apple and Wenping on Monday. At the food centre I may grow to miss. But, most likely, not.
We were talking about Nat and how she has learnt her English language well enough to correct her mum's English. So, it's really important to start nurturing a kid from young.
Wenping: Ya. Just like, what is the young of a chicken called? Chicklet.
Me: Ya, right.
Wenping: Really. The young of a pig is called piglet.
Me: Uhhuh...
Wenping: So, the young of a chicken is called a chicklet. Just add the 'let'.
Me: Sure...
Wenping: And the young of a bull is called bullet.
Me LOL and thinks, I MUST blog about this.
Well done, Wenping! To begin with, chicken is what you eat. The ones that are still very much alive are called 'hens' or 'roosters', the feminine and masculine respectively. But good one!
Always knew his humor will go a long, long way.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:53
September 14, 2007
Dear me,
Today is my birthday according to the lunar calender.
I bought a pendant for myself. It must be a very good buy because I've contemplated buying that very pendant for 3 times before I finally bought it today. Bit costly, for a silver pendant. But, hey! It's my birthday. I like.
I went to have a hair cut. Just a trim. But it instantly made me look much fresher and feel lighter. My hairstylist said I look really good with short bob cuts. I think so too. I like.
I came home to cook my
mee sua myself. Not totally. My mum prepared the soup and the vegetables. My job was to put the
mee sua and the vege in by myself when the soup boils. Nice. I like.
I showered and showed off my new little pressie for myself to my mum. She helped me choose a chain for it from my numerous chains at home. Then, we chatted about nothing. My parents and both my sisters gave me
angbao for my birthday.
Simple pleasures. I like.
Happy birthday, dear me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:26
September 07, 2007
~ Randomly...
Memory tortures. Increasingly so with age.
So, I don't want to deny the torture, but the desire is to stop creating new ones. Pass time such that time passes without a reason to remember. Darkly but why not.
xxx
Because everyone's understanding and interpretation of 'hurt' is different. And we are all not empathetic enough, and too selfish to see the person we love is hurting because of us.
Because it's easier to deny than to justify. Easier to punish than to be punished. Easier to sacrifice than be sacrificed. Easier to make other people cry than to cry. Even if you don't know it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:54
( ) Anniversary to...
... the End of Us.
The death of all that could have been.
The bottomless plunge of faith.
The beginning of a dream gone all bad.
The separation of the camel and the child.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:42
September 02, 2007
~ Randomly...
Went to a chalet-cum-BBQ organised by one of my aunts. It's an annual event, either in September or in December school holiday. My aunt's a teacher-quite-desperately-wanting-to-retire.
Played 'Twister' with my cousins. Which is the reason why my arms are darn tired now. That game is really trying, with the gamers posed in all kinds of acrobatic positions as the game-master shouts out 'right hand on red', 'left foot on blue', and whatnot. Luckily, my limbs are comparatively long since I'm taller than most of my cousins. But, I still found myself in awkward positions many times, trying to support myself on crossed arms stretched to the max. But, fun nevertheless.
It was when I came home that I realised it's been, truthfully, a better Saturday than I had expected. Usually, family gatherings are not most people's idea of something fun to do on a weekend, right?
The last time I actually played with my cousins must be when we were all still in our early teens. For all I can remember, the 'game' was to compete to see who could pile up the highest tower using majong tiles (yes, when our parents took a recess in their real majong game).
More than 10 years must have passed since then. We grew up and grew apart. Aside from the annual huge family picnic at Choa Chu Kang Chinese cemetery, we hardly meet. Or contacted one another.
Even so, when we had our arms crossing each other's arms and hands beneath each other's bums on the Twister mat just now, it really felt like family. Jeez, mushy.
Even though we have headed in different directions in life, carving out different career paths (and honestly, sometimes, I don't even remember where my younger cousins are studying or know where another cousin is working), it's good to know there is this group of people I'm related to and on occasions like today, we can laugh out loud at each other on the Twister mat and not feel like the years have passed since the majong tower competition.
Quite nice way to spend a Saturday evening, actually. Quite nice.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:40
September 01, 2007
~ Randomly...
September is here. The longest year in the month.
An autumn hibernation.
xxx
Somewhere down memory lane, Merlin told this evil witch (or something like that) that once you are forgotten, you cease to exist.
I almost fervently wish that I will be forgotten, especially in this month, on that day when many, many Americans will remember as the day their country is under attack.
I had that dream. Where no one remembered and it came and it went, and I didn't even care. In fact, I felt relieved no one bothered. It's what I look forward to. To not be remembered.
Bblics darling asked, 'Even if I forget?'
Yes. Even if you forgot. One less burden. Let's try to celebrate the other 364 days. Or 363. If you are like me.
I really have this fear of having people celebrate my birthday for me. Because I will always remember how they may no longer be around for the next birthday. Makes me depressed just thinking about it. Makes me even more depressed knowing this month is the same month that I had to walk away from her.
xxx
The autumn person in dread of autumn. The inevitability of complication.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:29